Here we go!

Today is my last day at work. And I'm sad. Quite sad. Which was definitely not how my last job ended. At all. I'm not particularly great at living in the moment and really feeling all there is to feel, but I'm hoping to be able to tell these people how much they've mean to me and what an important place this office has been for me. They have truly become family. People that see you through the good and bad, highs and lows. I will miss them all.

Today is also, quite literally, the first day of the rest of my life. After today, I'll have a new job, I'll be a student again and I'll be taking my life in a whole different direction.

So, here's to...A new adventure. Change. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Trusting God to provide (which He has...BIG TIME). A different schedule. New (tasty) skills! Meeting new people. Building new relationships. A new "wardrobe" of chef's whites. Relying on other people's strengths. Trusting myself. Being intentional about my relationships with less free time. Working hard and relishing new opportunities.

Cheers!

Stronger.

I'm not entirely sure what got me thinking about this, perhaps it's the fact that Taylor and I have been watching Sons of Anarchy or perhaps it was the large amounts of basketball I took in this weekend, but the last couple of days, I haven't been able to stop thinking about strength and what it means to be strong. This might sound like a funny thing for a young, reasonably feminine girl like me to be talking about, but trying to be "strong" has always been a big part of who I am.

Growing up, I had three older (male) cousins who lived with our family at one time or another. They made a huge impression on me. They told me never to let anybody mess with me, they said if I worked hard I could do anything I want and showed me that when stuff is hard, you've got to be strong. I also had two younger brothers that simply enforced my need to be strong and fight for myself. I had primarily male friends when I was younger and I came from an extended family where being tough, not taking any crap and standing up for yourself are basically written into the family creed. I watched movies and read books about heroes and outlaws who had habits of general bad ass-ery and silently promised myself that I too would become a brave, strong protagonist.

I took all of these things and buried them deep in my heart. When I got to be the age where I realized boys were for more than just playing Ninja Turtles with and little girls suddenly became very mean, I put my toughness into practice. No boy was ever going to tie me down. No little pigtailed girl was going to get the best of me. This basic idea stuck with me through high school; leveling any of my short dating relationships and pretty much disintegrating any of my female friendships.

What I didn't know about being strong and tough, about being that badass hero I so wanted to be, was that those heroes usually have some sort of fatal flaw or weakness in their "tough" armor.

As we've been watching Sons of Anarchy, a show about some pretty BA motorcycle club members/gun slingers, I've felt that old familiar desire to kick some ass and take some names. However, I've also noticed how each of the super tough, gritty characters have some sort of pain they are carrying around because of their toughness. They're lonely, or guilty, or ashamed, or angry, or addicted, or hurt, or afraid. Or any combination of these.

And so many times in my life, as I've tried to keep it all together, to be the strong one, to not take crap from anyone, I've ended up feeling like I don't have anyone in my corner, or have been ashamed of my harsh actions, or have felt guilty for things that I've said or done.

One of the greatest things I've learned, especially from my three closest friends, is that strength and toughness don't have to come in the form of harsh words, a prideful attitude or pretending like I've always got a handle on things. That allowing myself to need other people, to benefit from their strengths, can make me feel stronger and better than I ever could be by myself. And I've even heard from some people that hearing me admit my weaknesses, shortcomings and faults, in a twisted way, actually makes me seem stronger.

My friends may have opened my eyes on this subject, but getting married has literally blown the lid off my notions of what it means to be strong. I've wasted a lot of time resenting the fact that I need my husband and being irritated by his "ridiculous" desire to understand and be close to me. I've gotten myself in way too deep at times, trying to prove that I can do things by myself. And I've even made a few decisions to prove a point that have really come around and bit me in the end.

I'm not trying to define gender roles or get into how a marriage should work, I'm still one seriously independent person, all I'm trying to say is that I have found an incredible freedom in letting down my guard and letting my husband's strengths fill in for my weaknesses. I worried for a long time that doing so would mean losing a part of myself, but instead I've found that all of the good things about me are magnified. And letting him in to help and lift me up, only encourages him to do the same with me. Because I've got things to offer baby, you better believe it! :)

In doing this, we've moved past the fluffy love-bubble stage, through the "what did I get myself into" phase and we've really come into this phase where I feel so much trust and equality. We're working like a well-oiled machine around these parts and it feels like we're really going somewhere. Somewhere good, and somewhere together.

All that to say, I think I'm beginning to understand the reason God says "the meek shall inherit the earth." If more people could understand that true strength means relying on each other, like it's taken me so long to comprehend, we'd all realize that together we could accomplish a whole heck of a lot.

Mini-pub burgers.

Friday night, before all of the Hoopla (3-on-3 basketball tourny) fun began, we had Taylor's twin brother and sister-in-law over for dinner. I knew I wanted to make something fun, fresh and summery, so I consulted my favorite Food Network star, Giada. She is great about using fresh ingredients and most of the recipes of hers that I've tried, come out delicious. Also, she's adorable and I love her.

I picked her mini-pub burgers so the boys could load up on protein and decided I'd put the corn on the grill pan again, after such good results the other night. I also made my favorite potatoes (just red potatoes, S&P, olive oil, garlic and rosemary), with a little whole grain mustard added this time, to round out the meal.

It was absolutely delicious if I do say so myself. And since the weekend ended in yet another championship, I'm taking a little bit of the credit. :) Here's the recipe with the substitutions I made.

Ingredients
2 cloves garlic, peeled
1/2 cup packed fresh flat-leaf parsley
2 pounds ground chuck
3/4 cup (1 1/2 ounces) grated Parmesan
3 tablespoons tomato paste
1 1/2 teaspoons sea salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
9 small sourdough rolls, sliced in 1/2
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
9 slices (4 1/2 ounces) Swiss cheese
9 large basil leaves

Directions
Place a grill pan over medium-high heat or preheat a gas or charcoal grill.

Chop the garlic and parsley. Add the ground chuck, Parmesan cheese, tomato paste, salt, and pepper to a bowl. Hand mix until combined. Form the mixture into patties (I got twice as many as she said the recipe yielded, into the freezer they went!). Place the burgers on the grill and cook for 4 to 5 minutes each side.

Brush the cut side of each roll with the olive oil and toast on the grill pan for 1 to 2 minutes until slightly golden.

To serve, place 1 mini burger on the bottom half of each of the rolls. Place 1 slice of cheese on top of the burgers. Place the basil leaf on top of the cheese and cover with the top half. Serve.

Scrumptious Salad.

As I made the grocery list for the next week (until we head up to the lake! yahoo!) I filled in every meal slot except for last night's dinner. I then sat down and flipped through Real Simple and saw the photo for this salad and knew it would be the perfect thing to fill my empty dinner space. I already needed to buy corn for another night's dinner, I had parmesan, salt, pepper, olive oil and a lemon, and I simply went out the grabbed some of the greens growing in my little planter for the base. All I had to do was add two avacados to my list!

And boy was it delicious. Taylor helped me with the chicken, rubbing it with S&P and simply cooking it in a pan with butter and olive oil. Highly recommend this salad! So refreshing and flavorful! Taylor was pretty excited about it, as you can see. :)

Grilled Chicken and Corn Salad with Avacado
via Real Simple

Ingredients
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary
4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
4 tablespoons olive oil
kosher salt and black pepper
2 6-ounce boneless, skinless chicken breasts
3 ears corn, shucked
5 ounces baby spinach (about 5 cups)
1 avocado, cut into bite-size pieces
2 ounces Parmesan, shaved

Directions
Heat grill to medium-high. In a medium bowl, whisk together the lemon juice, rosemary, garlic, 3 tablespoons of the olive oil, ½ teaspoon salt, and ¼ teaspoon pepper. Transfer half the dressing to a small bowl; set aside. Add the chicken to the remaining dressing and turn to coat.

Rub the corn with the remaining tablespoon of oil and season with ¼ teaspoon each salt and pepper. Grill the corn and chicken, covered, turning occasionally, until the corn is tender and lightly charred, 4 to 6 minutes, and the chicken is cooked through, 8 to 10 minutes. Cut the kernels off the cobs and slice the chicken.

Toss the spinach, chicken, corn, and avocado with the reserved dressing and sprinkle with the Parmesan.

How I got here.

Now that I've waxed poetic about who I want to be and told you the big news, I think it's time for a little 'splainin. I've already alluded to this journey I've been on; talking about the marriage piece and style piece, but due to previously unmade decisions and unsure timing, I haven't talked about the occupation piece. And I guess I have to go back quite a ways to explain this whole process, as that is truly what it has been (and it's really only just beginning).

I've always been a dreamer. A person who can imagine my life going down any variety of paths. At different times I've wanted to be everything from a teacher to marine biologist, a famous writer to fashion stylist. I've considered getting my master's in teaching, joining the Peace Corps, attending fashion school in LA and even entertained the idea of starting my own line of clothing and housewares. And honestly, I probably could have been happy had I chosen any of these paths. But the path I chose in college (and I don't mean this negatively) was love. Sure, I studied and learned a great deal academically, made great friendships and had a great time playing basketball, but my main focus upon graduation was planning a wedding and spending the rest of my life with Taylor.

There's nothing wrong with the path I chose, though I did spend a few months in the last two years doubting that decision. It's a path that has allowed me to grow up with my husband rather than get married once we were a bit more grown up. It's a path that has been incredibly difficult at times, and incredibly blessed at times. It's also a path that set my "career" as a lower priority, which I was okay with then and am okay with now, but has been something I've had to work through in the in-between. I woke up from the sweet, foggy first year of marriage, the "love bubble," and realized that I hadn't taken any time to really consider what I actually wanted to be doing for work. While I ended up finding a place to work that has taught me a ridiculous amount about life and work (a place to which I will be eternally grateful), I realized that I felt very, very lost in general.

I'm an oldest child. I'm stubborn and I'm driven. I want to not only succeed but exceed expectations. I am painfully aware of my own faults and weaknesses and am often in a hurry to change those things. I make quick, instinctual decisions and do not enjoy patience or waiting periods. Feeling lost was not a pleasant experience for me. It was time I wanted to get through quickly. I started to come up with plan after plan, only to find each one thwarted in some way. My hope died a little with each foiled plan and my confusion deepened. I got pretty angry, depressed and started to doubt myself in general. I felt like my husband didn't understand me, my family didn't know me and like God had forgotten about me.

And eventually, it got to be too much for me. I don't know why we (I) wait so long to do what we know we need to do, surrender our hopes, dreams and plans to God, but I sure held out until I just couldn't take it anymore. I was afraid that my hopes, dreams and plans wouldn't mean anything to Him and was afraid I couldn't trust Him with those parts of me. But I was desperate, and so I started to say that I surrendered. I started with words, words that I wasn't even sure I meant, which eventually led to prayers, which ever so slowly led to actual surrender. And eventually, the hope that had been so battered and bruised by my attempts to arrange my life, started to rekindle somewhere deep inside. It was not a clear, specific hope. It was a wild hope, one that was often discouraged; a two steps forward, one step back sort of thing, for sure. I stopped saying I want to do this, or this or this, and started saying I don't care what it is, or when or how, I just want to do what you (God) want me to.

I heard no booming voice from above, there was no writing on the wall and I didn't magically know what it was I was supposed to do. It's funny (now) how often we expect God to meet our requests in our timelines, but that little hope inside me kept growing and getting stronger. And eventually, with encouragement from Taylor and other random people, the idea of culinary school, of a catering company, of cooking and laughing and loving people, started to take root in my heart. I began to deeply realize that God is good, He is faithful and He is more patient with me than I am with Him, that's for sure. He has provided the resources for school and a part-time job that I am so pumped for. I can't claim to know where this will all go, or if this is what I'll do for the rest of my life, but if I've learned anything it's that there is someone who can take care of those questions FAR better than I. And He will.

In the meantime, I am ridiculously excited (and a little nervous) to see where this new path takes Taylor and I, and am so grateful for the amazing place I have gotten to be in the meantime (my current job). I start my new job the first week of August and school begins the last week. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes! I'll keep you posted! :)

Ready or not.

Ready or not...we're making a change.
Ready or not...our house is up for sale.
Ready or not...I'm leaving my job of 2.5 years.
Ready or not...I got a new job, in Portland, at our church, part-time.
Because...

Ready or not...I'm going to culinary school.

On who I want to be.

A wife treasured by her husband. A person who is giving with their emotions, especially their love. A Proverbs 31 woman. A voice of wisdom and encouragement to my husband. A strong, fierce partner. Someone who fights for their marriage. Someone who fights respectfully. Someone who brings out the best in their husband. A woman who knows how to be pursued.


A sweet, thoughtful friend. A faithful sister. Slow to anger, quick to forgive. The kind of person who never forgets birthdays. The kind of person who brings you food just because. Someone who can work hard. Someone who can relax. The kind of person who values relationships over schedules. Someone who laughs. Someone who cries. Someone who can feel the hurts and the joys of life. Someone who has melancholy days. Someone who has sunny days.


Someone who lives in the city. Or maybe in the country. A simple liver. A hammock napper. A firepit owner. A marshmallow roaster. A backyard summer dinner host-er. A hardwood floor scrubber. A beach house owner. Someone who is committed to eating naturally, buying locally and supporting small businesses. A person who doesn't have more than they need.


Someone who wears what they love. A gardener. A traveler, international and national. An avid reader. A candle lighter. A photographer. An appreciator of art. A writer. A cook. A baker. A food lover. A wine drinker. A cheese lover. A movie lover. A hiker. A waterskiier. A game player. A camper. A bike rider. An explorer. A capturer of memories. A healthy eater. A walker. A yogi.

A loving, patient, generous mother. A mom who makes holidays magical. Someone who builds forts, throws theme parties and has a dress-up box. A mom who wears her babies. A soccer/basketball/gymnastics/theater/ballet (or whatever else they want to do) mom. Someone who reads to their kids. A mom who educates her kids. An owner of snuggly blankets and comfy corners to snuggle up in. An Auntie. Someday, a grandmother who shares wisdom and spoils.

And most importantly, A bible reader. An earnest pray-er. A peacemaker. Someone who can find joy in every situation. Quietly content. An active member of a Christ-centered community. Someone who is honest about their struggles and dark days. A relationship builder. A good steward of my blessings. But a person who knows when to splurge. A tither.Someone who can appreciate simple pleasures. A gracious sister in Christ. Someone with a secure sense of self. Someone who trusts. Someone who fears God.

Photos via my Pinterest collections. 

Being found.

As I've already talked about a little (in regards to marriage) I've been on quite a journey the last two years or so. This blog is a perfect witness to that journey as it's truly been all over the board. It's gone from personal to an outfit of the day site, from Anthropologie-focused to a general style focused place, it has taken on some food posts and now it seems to be back to personal again.

The current shift has been partially because I'm just in a kind of reflective spot in my life right now, but another big part is that my idea of personal style, my feelings on the value of fashion and it's relationship to who I am has really, really changed.

I've always been pretty comfortable with myself. I like my red hair. I like wearing glasses. I've found a weight that allows me to feel good in and about my body, while being easy to maintain. I like my long legs, my tiny wrists and my cute little toenails. However, despite always being comfortable with myself, I haven't always been comfortable around others. No matter how hard I've tried to capture a certain look, or develop a collection of a certain brand, or even build up a huge wardrobe with lots of options, I've never quite felt good enough. I think there is a very wonderful, artistic side to fashion and fashion blogs are a fantastic source of that art and inspiration, however, for me, it's just been one more place that I haven't felt good enough. I think there is a fine line between healthy and unhealthy, and it's not something I have been able to walk- I needed to choose a side.

So I started to take a step back. To evaluate which clothes make me feel good about myself and why. To look at which items don't make me feel good about myself. To take a step back financially and realize the different between want and need. To take myself away from the magazines, websites and influences that made me feel the "need" to buy a particular item. To think about the way I want to be perceived and how my clothes/style should reflect who I am, not determine who that person is. To think about and analyze the difference between a natural interest or hobby, and something that has eternal and lasting value in my life.

And instead of being the restrictive, painful cutting back I had always thought I would encounter once I truly decided to tackle this issue, I found freedom. Immense, overwhelming freedom. Freedom to be myself. Freedom to feel better about myself around other people, even if they're dressed to the nines, because I know I'm being true to who I am and not trying so hard. I've found great freedom in my new ability to save money for things that really matter to me. A freedom to write about what's on my heart and in my mind. And in a way, it's help me find more of myself in the process.



Does this mean that I don't still enjoy thinking up outfits, admiring magazine layouts, checking in on my favorite fashion blogs or Pinteresting my "wanted" items? No way. Of course I do. Fashion, design, anything aesthetic really, will always be a natural interest for me- it's how I'm wired. But to be able to do simply that, admire and appreciate and then move on, is an incredible gift I've gained from this journey.

It also doesn't mean that I've given up shopping completely or have taken on some sort of restrictive strategy. In the last few months, as the seasons have changed, and I've found myself in need of something, I've done some research and found an item within my price range to fill that need. I've bought a super cute, versatile pair of sandals from American Eagle. I bought a jersey skirt on sale from Anthropologie that I've worn at least twice a week since. I used my J.Crew Rewards card from last year to buy a cute, army-inspired jacket for chilly summer nights. But that's been about it. And other than that, I've enjoyed wearing things that I already had, tucked away in a once-overstuffed closet.

I hope that this comes across as encouraging and not at all condemning, I simply wanted to share where I'm at and where I've come from. I still love to talk and observe great fashion and style and I'd love to follow you on Pinterest if you'll share your profile with me! That's also been a great resource for me to admire looks without the ability to add to a shopping cart. :)

And because I'm still me, I wanted to share, within this post, some of the looks that have been inspiring me to create outfits within my own aesthetic and wardrobe.

Hobo Stew.

Hobo Stew, while probably completely politically incorrect, is quite a delicious meal. I was reminded of this family favorite that we often make over the campfire at the lake, by a friend who posted something similar on Facebook. Here's the SUPER SIMPLE recipe.

Hobo Stew
2 carrots (chopped)
4 celery sticks (chopped)
4-5 red potatoes (sliced into 1/4s)
1 red bell pepper (chopped)
1 sweet onion (chopped into wedges)
1 leek (chopped)
2 chicken sausages (sliced)**
Salt, pepper, olive oil to taste
Homemade Italian Dressing (or store-bought)

Mix all of these ingredients together on a foil-lined baking sheet and stick in a 425 degree oven for 45-50 minutes*, until the potatoes are browned and you can stick a fork through them. Pull out of the oven and let the stew cool, then douse with more dressing, a little fresh rosemary and ENJOY!

*You can also pile the mixture into some foil and stick this on the BBQ or in the coals of a fire.
**We used to eat it with ground beef instead of chicken sausage, but I'm kind of avoiding red meats right now.

Growth.

The last seven months have been a time of immense growth in my life. I'm not quite ready to talk about all of it, but one of the hugest areas of growth has been our marriage. Over the last two and half years, I've been in a bit of a dark, lost place. Until about seven months ago, I felt trapped and confused, abandoned by God and really unsure of how to relate to my husband. I'm happy to say the gloom has lifted and I am truly feeling blessed, hopeful and encouraged, but every now and then, a little shadow of fear and doubt creeps back in and spoils my sunny outlook.

After a fantastic day with our friends on Saturday, we had planned to get up and go hiking at Silver Creek Falls on Sunday. For some reason, a storm cloud had rolled in over my head and Taylor and I just weren't seeing eye to eye. Sometimes working through things is easier than others and you end up feeling good in the end about resolving conflict, but this was not one of those times.

We decided to go hiking anyway and to quietly keep processing through our conflict. As I walked the trails in the relative silence, I just couldn't help but think about how wonderful and comforting it was to have the person who knows me best, walking right beside me. Even in his anger. Even in our conflict. He still chose to walk with me, chose to stay on the same path as me and silently support me. In the last seven months my fears about marriage have turned  into pure awe at the crazy, sometimes crappy, extremely beautiful thing I signed up for. And how incredible it is that our marriage is only a tiny reflection of the love and faithfulness that God has for me.

After a little "nature therapy" we were able to come to a compromise and went on to have a fantastic day together. And this is just another example to me of the incredible growth that has happened in my life and our relationship. Though it's been difficult-they call them growing pains for a reason-I wouldn't trade those pains for the beauty that's been revealed and keeps being revealed to me.

NEW ITEMS!! Closet Cleanout.

This may just be my last closet cleanout post ever, b/c I don't really like gumming up my blog with sale posts anymore, but I am finally biting the bullet and getting rid of some nice stuff, so I thought I'd give y'all a chance at it! :)

To purchase something, e-mail me and I'll send you a PayPal invoice. Shipping in the US is $5 and anywhere else, $10.

Thank you!

Sun, fun and friends.

Sometimes it's difficult to write about the people you love. It's impossible to capture the depth of who they are, their relationship to you and how you truly feel about them. It's especially difficult when you know they might read it. But I believe (though I am not particularly gifted at expressing it) that it is vitally important to try and impress upon those people what they mean to you.

Last week marked the end of a super busy work season. While I'm always glad to see that season pass, it's been hard to get back into a normal routine after. It's much easier to live in survival mode at times than it is to try and live a balanced life. Needless to say, I was a little out of sorts last week. Add in the necessity to find and buy a new car, waiting to hear from the insurance company and a few other financial and logistical worries, and you have a pretty good recipe for stress. And for me, stress equals grumpiness.

Spending a sunny, Oregon day with my love and two of my best friends (and their fellas), was the perfect anecdote to a crumby week. We laid in the sun, shared a lovely picnic, ventured into the hills for some wine tasting and had dinner at a cute local pub before heading home to watch a movie.

There is something restorative, something refreshing and affirming about being around people who you know and who know you. People who've been there as you have grown and changed. People who have let you do so. Not only do I have some fantastic friends, they truly make me feel fantastic about myself. What more could you ask for?

On another note, Oregon is beautiful. And I may have a big, fat crush on this state.