Stronger.

I'm not entirely sure what got me thinking about this, perhaps it's the fact that Taylor and I have been watching Sons of Anarchy or perhaps it was the large amounts of basketball I took in this weekend, but the last couple of days, I haven't been able to stop thinking about strength and what it means to be strong. This might sound like a funny thing for a young, reasonably feminine girl like me to be talking about, but trying to be "strong" has always been a big part of who I am.

Growing up, I had three older (male) cousins who lived with our family at one time or another. They made a huge impression on me. They told me never to let anybody mess with me, they said if I worked hard I could do anything I want and showed me that when stuff is hard, you've got to be strong. I also had two younger brothers that simply enforced my need to be strong and fight for myself. I had primarily male friends when I was younger and I came from an extended family where being tough, not taking any crap and standing up for yourself are basically written into the family creed. I watched movies and read books about heroes and outlaws who had habits of general bad ass-ery and silently promised myself that I too would become a brave, strong protagonist.

I took all of these things and buried them deep in my heart. When I got to be the age where I realized boys were for more than just playing Ninja Turtles with and little girls suddenly became very mean, I put my toughness into practice. No boy was ever going to tie me down. No little pigtailed girl was going to get the best of me. This basic idea stuck with me through high school; leveling any of my short dating relationships and pretty much disintegrating any of my female friendships.

What I didn't know about being strong and tough, about being that badass hero I so wanted to be, was that those heroes usually have some sort of fatal flaw or weakness in their "tough" armor.

As we've been watching Sons of Anarchy, a show about some pretty BA motorcycle club members/gun slingers, I've felt that old familiar desire to kick some ass and take some names. However, I've also noticed how each of the super tough, gritty characters have some sort of pain they are carrying around because of their toughness. They're lonely, or guilty, or ashamed, or angry, or addicted, or hurt, or afraid. Or any combination of these.

And so many times in my life, as I've tried to keep it all together, to be the strong one, to not take crap from anyone, I've ended up feeling like I don't have anyone in my corner, or have been ashamed of my harsh actions, or have felt guilty for things that I've said or done.

One of the greatest things I've learned, especially from my three closest friends, is that strength and toughness don't have to come in the form of harsh words, a prideful attitude or pretending like I've always got a handle on things. That allowing myself to need other people, to benefit from their strengths, can make me feel stronger and better than I ever could be by myself. And I've even heard from some people that hearing me admit my weaknesses, shortcomings and faults, in a twisted way, actually makes me seem stronger.

My friends may have opened my eyes on this subject, but getting married has literally blown the lid off my notions of what it means to be strong. I've wasted a lot of time resenting the fact that I need my husband and being irritated by his "ridiculous" desire to understand and be close to me. I've gotten myself in way too deep at times, trying to prove that I can do things by myself. And I've even made a few decisions to prove a point that have really come around and bit me in the end.

I'm not trying to define gender roles or get into how a marriage should work, I'm still one seriously independent person, all I'm trying to say is that I have found an incredible freedom in letting down my guard and letting my husband's strengths fill in for my weaknesses. I worried for a long time that doing so would mean losing a part of myself, but instead I've found that all of the good things about me are magnified. And letting him in to help and lift me up, only encourages him to do the same with me. Because I've got things to offer baby, you better believe it! :)

In doing this, we've moved past the fluffy love-bubble stage, through the "what did I get myself into" phase and we've really come into this phase where I feel so much trust and equality. We're working like a well-oiled machine around these parts and it feels like we're really going somewhere. Somewhere good, and somewhere together.

All that to say, I think I'm beginning to understand the reason God says "the meek shall inherit the earth." If more people could understand that true strength means relying on each other, like it's taken me so long to comprehend, we'd all realize that together we could accomplish a whole heck of a lot.